The journey of grief continues for all of us. Tonight is not the night for me to write about my own heart, but I wanted to journal about our son's. Anyone reading this post for the first time would have to go back to last year and catch up on our sweet boy's journey. I am so thankful that he continues to talk to me, and continues to talk about his Aunt. He continues to crane his neck in search for crosses in the sky every day. He continues to look for ways to help his momma's heart heal. Most days I really believe that he understands this grief and pain more than most adults. I never want to burden him with my pain, but God has clearly given him the gift of compassion and he knows how to minister and looks for ways to minister. He is still hurting from his great loss and we are all learning how to live in this world where Elliot is no longer. She is certainly here with us in spirit, we "hear" her in so many different ways, and her light shines on, ever brightly. But the loss is still so great, the void...., it's a chasm.
One thing we have noticed that is different about Elijah as of late, is that he has a need to see me physically each night before he falls asleep. He just needs that security and assurance that his momma is here. He can be found at times having made a pallet on the floor at the top of the stairs, sound asleep, waiting for me to get home from a late music rehearsal. He has finally realized that if his cousins can lose their momma, so could he. It's a startling realization for all of us - that life really is fleeting, it really is as Scripture says, a "vapor". It is the harsh reality of the brevity of life that has finally sunk in his little head and heart. I wish he didn't know this reality..., but he does. This is one reason why not a day goes by that he does not hear how much we love him, and that nothing else matters in this life but loving God, and loving others.
It is indeed a journey, an ever-evolving journey, and one that does not seem to ever have any closure. Our wounds continue to re-open frequently, making the healing process ever so slow. We press on steadily, patiently, and with great endurance, trusting our Savior to redeem all of this in His perfect way and time. A verse that has comforted me is 1 Peter 4:19, "So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you".
I wanted to remember a few things that EB has said this week as he has thought much about his Aunt. I took the kids to the park to feed the ducks a few days ago, and they were having a blast running free in the grass chasing the geese and ducks. We were laughing and having a great time. Up on the hill there was a flock of geese that had to have numbered at least 50 - giant flock. They were all sitting in the grass enjoying their day until EB asked if he could run towards them. He took off running full speed and of course they immediately took flight and every single one of them soared right over his head. He stopped dead in his tracks and watched them fly right above his head and he turned around and didn't take his eyes off of them for a minute. It really was pretty amazing...., he turned around and I noticed his demeanor had changed. He was quiet, withdrawn, and had a sad look on his face. I asked him what was the matter and he said he was sad all of a sudden. When I asked him why he said, "those geese were just so beautiful, and Aunt likes beautiful things, and she is beautiful, and now I just miss her". So well said......, grief hits us all unexpectedly, and at times that catch us off guard as adults...., and even our 5 year old. As EB so simply stated what we all feel, and that is....., we just miss her.
This week, he and I were playing with some clay and he asked me to make him something and he said he would make me something. Since I did not get the "artsy, creative gene", I think I rolled my clay into a snake or something simple! Elijah crafted the Ovarian Cancer Teal ribbon out of his teal/green piece of clay, and then did the same thing with a Yellow piece of clay, which is Elliot's favorite color. Elijah has his eyes open...., he is in tune and aware of other people's pain and suffering and looks for ways to show compassion. We had not even talked about anything in particular yesterday, so this just came out of his own little heart.
On another occasion this week he showed compassion to me through his words. My brother in-law gave me one of Elliot's jacket's and one of her Bible's. When I pulled it out of the bag yesterday, it still smelled like her. I do control my emotions around the children pretty well, but that smell brought every emotion to the surface and I just sat there cradling this jacket and wept on the floor. EB in his precious little way walked over and said, "Mommy, she's safe you know, and it's gonna be A-okay. Just treasure her in your heart"..., and then he sat with me offering the gift of compassion through just existing with me and entering the moment with me. Ellison, having probably never seen me cry like that yet, left the room and came back holding a piece of paper that she had put stickers on and offered it to me with both hands out in front of her, never taking her eyes off of my eyes, almost as if to say, "I am giving you my gift of compassion, please accept it, it's all I know to do". I took the paper from her hands, and then she walked around behind me, put her head on my shoulder and patted me on the back and whispered, "I love you".
God is speaking to my children, and they are speaking His words to me. Don't we all just want someone to enter our pain with us - no matter what that pain is? We all just want to be heard and seen and shown tenderness...., not in a "fix it" kind of way..., because there is much pain in this life that just can't be "fixed"...., but in a, "come sit down with me, put your arm around me, and enter my pain with me" kind of way. My children are willingly and actively entering my pain, and choosing to sit with me in it for awhile...., and then they gently pull me up out of it and I re-enter their world.
As we continue to fight for joy, we all remember that God is GOOD...., all the time...., no matter what.
I end with a quote by one of my favorite authors right now, Ann Voskamp. After I wrote this post, I read my Advent devotional for today - which was written for my heart, right where I am:
"Struggling and rejoicing are not two chronological steps, one following the other, but two concurrent movements, one fluid with the other. As the cold can move you deeper toward the fire, struggling can move you deeper toward God, who warms you with joy. Struggling can deepen joy. Even now, as Habakkuk says, 'I will rejoice in the God of my salvation'....., the secret of joy is always a matter of focus: a resolute focusing on the Father, not on fears. All fear is but a notion that God's love ends. When does He ever end? When you can't touch the bottom is when you touch the depths of God...., the solution to fear is the gift of Christmas, 'Fear not! For behold, we have a Savior'".
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