I sit here tonight in the quietness of the evening, just thinking - thinking about so much. I am staring at my beautiful Christmas tree (which has been up for 4 weeks already and I am not tired of it yet), and helping my husband study for test # 1 of 5 (the Bible portion) of his Ordination exams (which he will take tomorrow morning - Christmas Eve). I am really not that much help - just flipping through notecards with him. My two kitties are curled up beside me on the couch and my sweet baby boy is sleeping peacefully in his crib upstairs. He just "called out" for me briefly (just fetching a pacifier), but I took the opportunity to snuggle with him for a few minutes in the dark - savoring the moment of listening to his sweet little sighs in the night and feeling his skin with my bare hands. Did I mention that I have been "brace free" for almost 2 weeks now?? I am not "pain free" yet, but am getting there finally after 13 long months of tremendous wrist pain. I haven't been able to feel his skin with my bare hands for such a long time, and until you can't do that, it's really hard to understand what a precious thing that is. I didn't stay long with him, but long enough that I "got my fill" of him again..., at least until in the morning! I am absolutely in love with my boy - madly and deeply in love with him! I have waited so long for him and I can't seem to get enough of him. My favorite Christmas CD's are playing - and have been playing non-stop in the house since Dec. 1. I never get tired of those either.
You would think that I would be more stressed this year than any other year given what all has transpired over the past month - well really 4 months, preparing to move. Yes, there are still boxes in my house waiting to be unpacked and pictures to hang on the walls. Yes, I have attended 7 Christmas parties in the last 3 weeks. Yes, I jumped in and sang the Christmas music with the Adult Choir at church, sight-reading it in 1 rehearsal. Yes, we waited until Dec. 20 to start our Christmas shopping (I know, I know - but what is a person supposed to do who moved out of state during the most busy time of the year and whose husband is a new Pastor at a church and is expected to be at every church function)? Yes, I have a 1 year old who all of a sudden is terrified of the new church nursery and is causing me significant anxiety. Yes, I have kind of been a "single parent" since we moved because my husband has been studying feverishly day and night since we moved here trying to prepare for his Ordination exams.
However, in the midst of chaos, or what others might consider chaos, I am at peace. I am not stressed. I have been able to enjoy and savor this Christmas season in a way that I really haven't been able to before. I really should be stressed - new church, new city, new job, being a Pastor's wife, new friends etc...- but I am not. I am full of happiness, joy, and peace. Of all Christmases, this one should be the one that swallows me up and come Christmas morning I wonder where the time went. This Christmas should be the one that seemed to just evaporate into thin air - but it is not, and has not. Praise God! God is at work in my heart, helping me not to give into my natural inclination to be stressed, and anxious, and worry about everything. I am learning through the years, that stress/worry/anxiety really is a choice and that I do have control over it with God's help. He has allowed me to simply rest and enjoy this beautiful season - even with all of the stressers around me. You know what is even more amazing and just shows what an amazingly loving and gracious God we serve?? I confess that I haven't even asked Him to help me rest and enjoy this season, but He has seen fit and allowed me to rest my spirit. I will never know or understand why God is so full of grace and mercy towards His children - giving us what we truly need before we even ask Him. You know what else is amazing? I have been able to rest more with a baby than I could before I had a baby. I know that sounds so backwards and probably crazy to you other moms out there. But I find more rest and peace sitting in my overstuffed glider rocker in the nursery, resting with Elijah Brooks, than I do anywhere else in the world. His nursery is my haven - where I find peace. It is where I pray and connect with God, where I lay my burdens down and confess my wicked heart. It is where I shut my mind off to the cares of the world. I try very hard not to bring them into his room. We have listened to so many Christmas CD's together in that rocker in the quietness of the days and nights. I find so much peace resting with him, listening to the pattern of his breathing against my chest. Resting with him is one of the most peaceful things that I do in the midst of hectic days and evenings. It forces me to slow down, breathe, and just rest.
This is the first Christmas in 11 years for Jay that he has not traveled, and the first one in 7 years of marriage that he and I have not rushed through breakfast and opening gifts on Christmas morning to load up the car and drive 8-9 hours to see the other side of the family. Last year we did it with a 7 week old baby! This year, due to Jay's new position at the church, we are not traveling. His new responsibilities at the church hinder our ability to travel. We are not even leaving our house but for a few hours on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We are very sad not to be able to see our entire family this year, but admit we are thankful to just be able to stay home with each other and our son. This will be the first Christmas that we will wake up in our own home and have our own "family of 3" Christmas morning.
I do not have any regrets this Christmas. I have done as much as I possibly could, taken as many pictures as I could, listened to as much music as I could, stared at the Christmas tree as long as I could, dressed Elijah Brooks in as many adorable Christmas outfits as I could, taken him to ride the train and carousel at the mall, seen the Nutcracker Ballet, sung in "Lessons and Carols" at church, gone to 7 Christmas parties, drunk as many cups of apple cider and hot chocolate as I could, spent as much time with family as I could, helped a wonderful young girl get settled with her new family in TN, taken in as many of the smells, sights, and sounds as I could, read the Christmas story as many times as I could, and thanked God for the miraculous and undeserving gift of His Son Jesus Christ so many years ago - for me. What a treasure He is, and what a treasure this beautiful season is of celebrating His birth for mankind. HE is why and what we celebrate.
Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope that you all find joy, peace, and rest this Christmas.
