Where oh where do I begin? For the past month, I have been in the middle of a very big spiritual battle. I will call this battle,
"The Battle Against Fear". The Lord has taken me on quite a journey over the past month - really, the past 3 years, but I have been fighting specifically against fear for a month. I wish I could say that because of my relationship with Jesus Christ, I would not have dealt with this particular emotion to the extent that I have, but I am choosing to drop my pride and be transparent and vulnerable. What good is it to wear a mask and pretend that life is not difficult, painful, frightening, and uncertain? We all suffer, we
will all suffer, and if you haven't suffered yet, it's just a matter of time. I read a quote this week which I could identify with well. It said, "the entire Bible is strangely silent on how to escape suffering, but very articulate about its benefits".
I have discovered in my own life, that whatever emotion I struggled with prior to experiencing deep grief, the emotion has escalated post-trauma. For me, fear and anxiety have escalated and for the past month, they have been like a ball and chain around my neck. They have gone everywhere with me. Their choke-hold has been suffocating. I have fought on the front lines, and have truly done battle with the enemy. As a believer in Jesus Christ, I know what weapons to use against the enemy when he comes prowling, roaring, nipping at my heels, and planting all kinds of doubt/confusion/and straight up lies in my head. While I know the weapons to use and have tried to use them minute by minute, I am so worn from the battle. I am so mentally and physically fatigued from fighting. I know I do not fight alone - and I know who has already won the ultimate battle - but the enemy is very real and as Scripture says, "he has come to steal, kill, and destroy" (John 10:10). I am convinced more now than ever before, that our battle on this earth is not a battle against man, but the powers of evil and strategies of the enemy. "Be strong in The Lord and in HIS mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the devil in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is God's Word" (Ephesians 6:10-17).
I have often thought over the past month about our men and women on the front lines of battle as they battle for peace, justice, protection, and our freedom - they battle against evil daily. They have their physical weapons with them to protect them, but they are still so worn from the fight. My heart feels alittle bit of this exhaustion. The battle is real - it is exhausting, it is frightening, it is overwhelming - but ultimately, the battle has been won. Satan's head has been crushed, and as Elliot claimed the day before she went Home to be with her Savior, "Satan is a zero" - he is ultimately finished. Yet, for those of us who belong to Christ, we will war against him as long as we are on this earth. But, we have strength for the fight because we know it is finished - we know the end of the story - and that gives us strength, hope, and confidence to withstand the war. Our wounds will be made whole one day.
Yet, even with this confidence, I have struggled to understand just where my fear is coming from and why it has been so difficult to shake off. Scripture clearly says over and over again, "DO NOT FEAR". It is not a mere suggestion to "maybe not fear", or "only fear in certain circumstances" - but rather it is a clear command, a declarative statement to NOT FEAR - EVER. It has been a battle to obey this direct command from the Lord. I have thought so much about fear over the past month. What exactly is it? Why does it threaten to undo me? How can one emotion be so paralyzing, threatening to zap the very life out of me? Why is there even fear in my own heart of relinquishing fear? For me, fear has become a sort of "slow death" in my heart. It is no way to live, and it is certainly not the abundant living, which Jesus talks about in the book of John when He says, "I have come to give life and to give it abundantly". As I wrestled with fear - real, legitimate fear - I became increasingly aware of the idolatry that is buried so deep within my heart. I have an intense need to control my circumstances and the world in which I live. I believe I have struggled with this for years, since childhood really, but as I said earlier, it seems that having gone through trauma, this heart issue has escalated. I have been so saddened to come to this realization of how little I really do trust God. I say that I do, and I really believe that I do, and I so desperately want to - but when I am faced with a moment of crisis, my actions do not reflect my trust in God - and this saddens me deeply. I have had much to repent of during this process. I believe with all of my heart though that I am changing, I am growing, I am becoming more and more aware of my own sin and heart issues, my trust issues, and my need of a Savior. When Elliot passed away, I began what has turned into a nearly 3 year struggle of trust and a fear of hope. I seem to take a step forward, and then 2 steps backward. Just learning to trust in a
perfectly loving,
trustworthy God has proved to be harder than I thought it would be. I get frustrated with myself because I know what I want to do. I know what I want to think. I know what I want to believe - and what I do believe with all of my heart - but the battle still wages war. I am having to learn how to truly take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. I am learning how to fight the enemy with the weapons I have been given in Christ. I am learning what to do when doubts and fears assail me - I must stand on the promises of God. I am not warring against man - but against the enemy, whose mission is to taunt me, to deceive me, to undo me, to plant seeds of doubt, worry, and fear in my mind and my heart - and to tell me straight up lies about God. The enemy's voice has been so loud in my head, so I have had to pray for a discerning ear to hear the voice of Jesus above the other and that it would be the clearest voice. I am learning about fighting for joy in the midst of fear, and learning how to hope fearlessly. I am learning how to look fear in the eyes and say, "you can't have my joy - not today". I am learning - slowly. I have not mastered this, and I will not master it this side of eternity, but I am learning.
I have pondered over and over what it means to live fearlessly in a very fearful world. There is much to fear in this life - or is there? Is there "Godly fear"? Is there a way to fear while still honoring God, or is fear in direct opposition to trusting God? I know I have been battling through some sinful fear, but have really been wrestling with this idea of sinful fear versus honoring God in the midst of fear. God clearly tells me over and over again in His Word, do not fear - yet, He knows my frame, knows I am but dust, and knows my tendencies toward fear. He is compassionate towards me during these struggles - He does not condemn me for falling into the same sinful patterns again, but rather gently leads me through the valley safely to the other side. He has done this time and time again for me - He is trustworthy. He is always there to pick me up and set my feet back on solid ground. He tells me that "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). God's love is perfect and since He loves me perfectly, fear has no place in my heart. As I regain my trust in the ONE who is absolutely trustworthy, I have seen again that my feet can walk on the most unstable ground, yet they can remain unwavering and steady. I have been reminded again, (because there are many lessons I am still needing to learn), that Jesus really is for me. This seems like such an elementary concept, but I think after 36 years of being a Christian, I just might finally understand it. His plans for me are for my good. His plans are good. He has allowed some intense suffering to enter into my life. He could have removed it, but He chose not to. Rather, He allowed it to enter my life because He loves me and He saw that this is good for me. This is radical. He chose not to remove the suffering, instead He chose to test my heart and place it in the middle of the fiery furnace to be refined. In and out of the furnace I have gone. God knows how much heat I need to have my heart malleable to be shaped by Him, and He knows how much heat will cause me to break. I have felt the flames for the past month in an intense way. I have felt the fear of being in the middle of the fire........, YET, because He is a trustworthy God, I believe with a new certainty the words that the Lord himself spoke in Isaiah, "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up, the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" (Isaiah 43:1-3). It is only because of God's tender grace and mercy that I have not been consumed, or drowned, or burned up by the heat of this life and this struggle. God's Word is true. If He says we will not be consumed, or drown, or burn up - then we won't. I should have been, but I wasn't - because His Word is true. God has been carefully overseeing the entire process, watching me grow, knowing exactly what He wants me to become, and has brought the heat and pressure into my life in order to make it come to pass. The enemy of faith is not suffering or hardship. The enemy of faith is discouragement and losing heart. Oh, God is so good to me to show me these things again - and again - and again. He is ever so patient with me - I am slow to learn. I have felt the hard chipping away of the "Refiner's hammer" in my heart recently. It has been painful, but a necessary process. I believe I am convinced more now than ever, that growth comes by pruning. Growth comes by cutting down, chopping away, feeling heat, and suffering. I am not sure there is any other way. I wouldn't see my need for a Savior if I didn't experience my own sin. While I do believe sometimes God chooses to remove the suffering, other times He doesn't - but I have found that He does not ask me to walk the journey of suffering alone. He walks beside me - allowing me to feel heat, to see the waters rising around me, to feel the waves crashing relentlessly on top of me until I am breathless....., but I am not consumed, or burned. He has allowed me to suffer a great deal, but has not left me for a second....., and why not????
Because Jesus loves me. I think I might finally believe it. If this was the purpose of the suffering, than I praise Jesus for it. As my husband and I had some really difficult discussions over the past month, he reminded me, "Erin, Jesus has gone to great lengths to rescue you. Don't you believe that He will also go to great lengths to keep you"? He also reminded me over and over again that I do not belong to him or to our children - but that I belong to Christ. This is a weighty statement if you let your heart really embrace it. If everything was stripped away from you, would you be okay knowing that you only belong to Christ? He gets to do with you as He sees best. While this is a true statement, it is hard to swallow at times because I still love too much of this world - but there is also great comfort in the truth. Sometimes I even wonder why we pray for suffering to be removed and for healing to even happen here on earth - if we really understand that we are made for Christ. A man in our church was about to undergo a pretty extensive heart surgery and his friend, who also attends our church said to him prior to surgery, "the worst thing that can happen is that you live". What perspective this wise man has!! Let the weight of that statement rest upon you for a minute and ponder the truth of this in light of the Gospel and your relationship with Jesus. We were not made for this earth - we were made for something much greater than this suffering that we experience here - God absolutely uses this suffering to refine us, so there is great purpose in the suffering - but we were made to be with Jesus. I know these truths, but it is much easier to type them out on a computer than to make my heart embrace them in a moment of fear. But over the past month or so, I have begun to realize that I have been struggling with control issues - lack of control is probably more accurate. I have seen firsthand how fleeting life is, how it can be snuffed out in a heartbeat, how families are left behind to learn how to wade through their grief. The notion that I even have control over anything is really ridiculous if I am honest - I have no control over anything - and anything I think I do is simply a mirage - and even further, how prideful of me to think that I know better than a Sovereign, all knowing, all loving God. My heart has been tested greatly. I have heard countless times over the past month, "Erin, do you trust me? Do you really trust me? Do you really trust me NOW? Am I enough for you? Am I really enough for you? Do you believe that I love you? Do you believe that my plans for you and your family are good and perfect"? I have had to stare at myself in the mirror and answer some really hard questions. I have been forced to be honest in my answers. It's been sobering. I have been all at once frightened, ashamed, amazed at the strength God gave me when I was at my weakest, saddened, and humbled - not to mention filled with awe and thanksgiving at how much I am loved by the God of this universe.
In situations I have dealt with in the past, I have suffered in silence to some degree - only letting a few people really know the fear and heartache I have dealt with. But I have learned over the past month the blessing of community. I have had friends hold up my arms like Moses' friends did when he was simply too fatigued to hold them up anymore. I have had a community of believers to stand in the gap for me when I haven't had the strength to pray - much less the strength to hope. I have realized over the past few years, but more specifically over the past month, just how fearful I have been to allow myself to hope again. I have had sweet friends point me to back to Scripture when I felt my heart straying from the Truth. These same friends have prayed for the enemy to be bound and chained, unable to taunt me anymore. These friends have willingly put themselves on the front lines of battle with me and have fought day and night for darkness to be removed from my heart. I was hesitant at first to drop my guard and really allow people to see how much I was struggling, but then I realized how much I needed fellow fighters with me and God raised up an army of women to stand beside me. It was such a humbling time - both to see my desperate need, and also how loved my family is. We are not made to live in isolation, or to go through the hardships of life alone - but we are made for community. I am thankful for my prayer warriors, who made it their mission to hold my arms up.
I have had much time to think about hope and fear. It has been perplexing to me that both emotions have coexisted in my heart during this time. I found myself straying off course many times, but God was so gracious to always lead me back to Him, back to center base, back to Truth. Through suffering, I have embraced some very simple, yet life-changing truths. I have found that knowing these truths in my head, which I have known since childhood, is immensely different than embracing them and allowing them to dominate my heart - and therefore my behavior - and my reactions to the heat in this life which inevitably will come.
1. God LOVES me.
2. God IS for me.
3. God WILL bring good out of suffering
4. God's plans, while sometimes very difficult to accept, are ALWAYS best - always
5. God's ways are so much better than mine - He knows fully what I can only know in part
6. God is FULLY trustworthy
7. God cannot be comprehended or figured out - peace comes when we stop trying to make sense out
of what we cannot understand in our finite minds, and simply trust and accept His goodness, which
is far better than our own - even though it often looks much different than what we ever thought.
8. God KNOWS what we can handle
9. Because of Christ, we CAN have hope even if our circumstances never change
10. We are COMPLETELY at peace with God because of Christ - so we have nothing to fear. This
truth changes everything for a Believer.
11. God is God. God is Good. God is ever faithful, ever loving, ever able to carry us through the
darkest of times.
12. God acted in the Old Testament. He acted through Jesus in the New Testament and He still acts
today. He has never, and will never abandon the world He created in love, or the people He calls
His own.
There have been several Scriptures that I have leaned heavily on over the past month. I wanted to write them down so that I would remember them in years to come.
1. Isaiah 41:10
2. Isaiah 40:25-31
3. Isaiah 43:18-19
4. Jeremiah 29:11
5. Jeremiah 17: 7-8
6. Psalm 29:11
7. 2 Timothy 1:7
8. Romans 15:13
9. Psalm 103
10. Psalm 62:1-2, 8
11. Psalm 61: 1-3
12. 1 Peter 4:12-13, 19
13. Proverbs 3: 5-7
14. 2 Thess. 3:16
Several quotes have also been an encouragement to me on this journey.
1. "Perhaps one reason God delays His answers to our prayers is because He knows we need to be with Him far more than we need the things we ask of Him", Ben Patterson
2. "When circumstances seem impossible, when all signs of grace in you seem at their lowest ebb, when temptation is fiercest, when love and joy and hope seem well-nigh extinguished in your heart, then rest, without feeling and without emotion, in the Father's faithfulness", D. Tryon
3. "It will greatly comfort you if you can see God's hand in both your losses and your crosses" ,
Charles Haddon Spurgeon
4. "God is good. He is a refuge in times of trouble. He does care for us. But we must trust Him. We must replace fear with faith and self-pity with God-focused trust", Robert J. Morgan
5. We cannot abandon life because of its storms. The strongest trees are not found sheltered in the safety of the forest, rather they are in the open spaces - bent and twisted by winds of all seasons. God provides deep roots when there are wide-spreading branches", Tammy Felton
6. "In those times when I can't seem to find God, I find assurance that He knows how to find me", Neva Coyle
7. "God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty", Peter Marshall
8. "God's way of answering the Christian's prayer for more patience, experience, hope, and love often is to put him into the furnace of affliction", Richard Cecil
9. "The acid test of our faith in the promises of God is never found in the easy-going, comfortable ways of life, but in the great emergencies, the times of storm and stress, the days of adversity, when all human aid fails", Ethel Bell
10. "God has not promised an easy way, but peace in the center of the hard way", Dale Evans Rogers
11. "Are you facing fear today? Don't allow fear to keep you from being used by God. He has kept you thus far; trust Him for the rest of the way", Woodrow Kroll
This has been a journey, and will continue to be a journey for me. But, I hold fast to Jesus and will throw myself upon Him, knowing He is my only hope in this life.
"My heart and my flesh may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"! Psalm 73:26
