Mother's Day weekend we participated in our 3rd annual "Motherwalk", an event supporting Ovarian Cancer Awareness. This event is always held the Saturday before Mother's Day and has a common theme each year, "The World Needs More Mommas". Yes, the world does need more mommas, and sadly there are too many that are losing this battle. Mother's Day is now a day that is full of conflicting emotions, much like most of my days, but this one in particular hit me harder than I expected. The evening before the walk, we attended the pre-race party and I was holding up pretty well, or so I thought. Then the children held each other by the hands and went searching for Elliot's picture, which was hanging from the ceiling with all of the other women whose lives were cut short by this awful disease. I scanned their faces while they searched, and it was almost like they were searching for Easter Eggs - they were on the "hunt" for her. When they found her, they all just stood underneath it staring up. I had to excuse myself and ran down the stairs to the bathroom. I was heartsick, and felt as though my lungs were collapsing. It just couldn't be true. My sister's picture just couldn't be hanging from the ceiling. I stayed in the bathroom for awhile and composed myself, and gathered the courage to walk back up the stairs - I never knew how much courage this journey would take - I never realized how heavy each footstep could be - I never knew how much effort it would take to just keep breathing some days. But, I continue to hold onto the ONE HOPE that I have in all of this....., "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tell me so" - and Jesus loves my family - and Jesus loves Elliot. He missed her and was ready for her to come home to Him. God continues to amaze me by the road He has called me to walk, but He also continues to amaze me at how He enables me to walk it. We are coming up on the 2 year anniversary of her Homegoing, and I truly thought I would have gone down for good by now. But, His grace is MORE than enough for me. He truly does set my feet back on a rock and enables me to go to the heights. I sink, and then I rise. I sink again, and rise again - it's the rhythm of my life now, but He is always there.
We left the event and all piled in the car and went to dinner at "Taco Mama" and had a wonderful rest of the evening together. The air is "pregnant" with Elliot's absence, but these children do bring us so much joy. I don't know what we would do without them.
The next morning, we put on our T-shirts and went to the race. Again, I was hit with unexpected emotions. I found myself looking for Elliot everywhere - surely she was standing up there in the line of "survivors". I was so saddened to realize that she never even got a chance to attend this event herself. She never even got a chance to wear the "survivor sash" - it all happened so fast. 2 years ago, she was too sick to attend the event, so we all went and walked in her place thinking that surely she had just had a setback and would be back on her feet in a few weeks...., 2 weeks later, she met Jesus face to face.
The children decided they wanted to do the 5K with the adults and I couldn't have been more proud of them. I enjoyed walking with the children and they all walked with such determination. Sweet Bradford sprinted away from me at the start of mile 3 where she found her mommy's picture on "memory lane". She insisted that we all stop and take a picture of her. She made me stop, dig out my camera and snap pictures of her. She embraced her mommy's picture and tried to muster up a smile. I snapped pictures, per her request, with silent tears streaming down my face behind the camera. After a few pictures she said, "come on Aunt, let's go, we're almost to the finish line". Talk about courage. I am so proud of this little girl.
After the 5K, Elijah Brooks and Bradford were also registered to do the 1 mile Fun Run. I thought they were going to go alone, but Bradford insisted that I run with them! So after the 5K, we had about 10 minutes to rest before the 3 of us did the Fun Run together. I had such a wonderful time jogging beside these sweet children and encouraging them. I couldn't keep up with them! On the course, there was a big turn that intersected with mile 3 of the 5K, so again when Bradford saw "memory lane" up ahead, she started sprinting again to her mommy's picture. Elijah Brooks and I were with her and let her have her moment. When she was ready to keep going, she motioned to us to follow her and the 3 of us headed for the finish line. I was beyond proud of these precious kids. They ran hard, they ran with determination, they ran with courage, and they ran for hope.
After the race, there were presentations made and awards given. Jay came in 2nd place in his age division on the 5K, and team "Elliot's Warriors" came in 1st place for largest team. Bradford and Elijah Brooks walked up on the stage to accept the award. The survivors who were present were presented with a dozen roses each, and we had a moment of silence for those who are now at rest. A children's choir sang 2 songs in honor of mother's, and Bradford sat in my lap throughout the presentations and songs. I wept silently so as not to upset her, and she sat perfectly still, observing everything and deep in thought.
On the way home, we stopped by the cemetery to tell Elliot about the race. When we pulled up, my parents and Elijah Brooks were already up the hill visiting, but I couldn't make my feet walk the hill. I tried, but my feet just wouldn't move. Jay stayed with me. I was frozen in grief. I know in my heart that she is not there, she is safe in Heaven with her Savior who is also preparing a place for us, but I just couldn't move. I wasn't expecting that - but as with grief, most of the time what happens is not what you expect anyway. I watched from several feet back and Elijah Brooks and Ellison danced around the grave - Elijah deep in thought, and Ellison completely oblivious, just enjoying her moment of dancing in the rain. I stood there pondering that sight......, my daughter, Ellison, dancing in the rain at her Aunt's grave. I thought about the words to a song with a line that has meant so much to me over the past few years.....,
"to stand in the pouring rain and believe the sun will shine again, to know that the grave is not the end". (Steven Curtis Chapman)
There it was, right in front of my face....., my faith with legs under it. Standing in the pouring rain, believing - with a sheer determination to believe - that the sun will shine again....., it does not end with the grave.
Oh, thank you JESUS! This is my ONE HOPE, my only HOPE.
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| Teal, butterfly tutu |
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| Wyatt (8), Walker (8), Elijah Brooks (5 1/2), Bradford (5 1/2), Ellison (2 1/2) |
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| I always feel like our smiles are taped on our faces at these events - but God seems to continue to give us grace to keep smiling. It's so strange to see pictures...., I always think I can't possibly muster up a smile, but then I see myself smiling. Only GRACE. |
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| So proud of this boy |
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| Family picture before the race - EB was on foot most of the way, but was thankful to have the extra stroller when he got tired. |
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| Bradford and her mommy |
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| EB walked over to Bradford and put his arm around her |
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| E-Daddy pushing Ellison |
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| Just finished the 5K, taking a quick break before the Fun Run |
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| She is taking a break after having ridden in a stroller for the 5K - whew, she had a hard job! |
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| The 3 of us were getting ready for the Fun Run |
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| She was happy to finally get out of her stroller and do something fun |
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| No fear - loved every minute |
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| He was so proud of his medal. His preschool teacher told me that he talked about his Aunt the entire week leading up to this event. He had her in tears at one point. He promised her he would wear his medal to school on Monday...., and he did. |
