On January 5, our sweet "baby" girl morphed into a "little girl" when she turned 2 years old. She literally woke up the morning of her birthday and looked different and acted different to us. It was as if she crossed over from babyhood into "little girlhood" overnight while she slept. In some respects, the past two years of our lives have passed like a vapor. They have simply vanished - we went to sleep and our lives looked one way, and we woke up and they looked all together different...., almost like awakening from a coma and you can't believe how much you have missed and how much has changed. But at the same time, as I reflect upon the past 2 years, my feet seem to have been moving in thick, dark, sticky, goo...., moving ever so slowly...., trying to live in the moment, get through the moment, but not miss the moment. I admit, there have been some moments that I don't ever want to end, and then other moments that can't seem to end fast enough. Trying to process the birth of my daughter and the death of my sister within just 4 short months of each other has been a task that has been most overwhelming for my heart. Life moves at an incredible pace and leaves little time to process every emotion surrounding these 2 life-changing events, yet I am making a conscience effort to make my heart and my feet move through that "sticky goo" I mentioned earlier that oftentimes leaves me quite messy. Most days I feel like I hopped on a run-away train 2 years ago when Ellison was born and haven't gotten off - the train has slowed at times, especially around curves (which God has been most kind towards to me to allow me to catch my breath from time to time), but it is very difficult to process a death and to grieve appropriately when you have 2 small children to care for 24/7. Some people might say that the noise, the chaos, the busyness might be good to "distract" me. When you lose your sister and your best friend, there is no amount of noise, chaos, or busyness that could possibly distract you. In fact, I recharge, refuel, re-align, and reconnect through peace and quiet, through meditation, through stillness....., none of which I have at this present time of my life, so the processing isn't happening as thoroughly as I would like. BUT......, this is where God has me. This is the life HE chose for me. This is the timing HE chose for these events to happen in my life. He chose to give me my daughter Ellison in January 2012, and He chose to take my sister Elliot home in May 2012. I trust Him now to help me learn how to parent Ellison, and grieve Elliot...., while celebrating them both...., all of which are of utmost importance. I have realized that I can't slow the hands of time down, no matter how hard I try (and I have tried). But, I can slow my heart and my head by making a conscience effort to do so. The pain is not going to go away by "busying" myself, nor will it go away by being still....., though both things are necessary I believe, to steadily and healthily move through this new life of mine. God has given me 2 children who for them, I am still their "present moment"...., and I need to be fully present for both of them. And oh, I am trying to be present and not rush through the difficult waters of parenting a toddler and a preschooler (it's awfully tempting though)!!
So, in celebrating a life, we celebrated our daughter Ellison Anne, on January 5. As Jay affectionately says, "she is the Tornado and we are the storm-chasers"! I believe that is accurate. She entered this world very quickly and she hasn't slowed down yet! She does nothing half-way, and nothing small. Everything seems to be "larger than life" for her! She is fiercely independent and fiercely loving. She oftentimes kisses us, including her brother, unsolicited..., just because. She is on something or under something. She is crying or laughing, and can make me cry or laugh by her antics! She moves at break-neck speed, or is asleep. She both delights me and makes my head spin. She overjoys and overwhelms me. She is awe-inspiring and truly "one of a kind". She is both persistent and determined, both traits I pray God will use mightily for His kingdom and pray that prayer often in the midst of disciplining! She is certainly one of those children who simply "knows what they want" - think I may have heard that a time or two growing up myself. It's a very positive trait and I pray I can channel it in the right direction (if I can hang on through these toddler years)! At the end of the day, I have truly laughed more at her (and with her), and also have wanted to pull my hair out more than ever before! She loves a microphone in her hand and loves the stage. She loves an audience! She flies through this house, leaping and bounding, dancing and twirling, climbing and rolling, hopping and skipping daily. She thrives on speed...., the faster, the higher, the better. But......, when she is ready for bed, all motion ceases and she freezes in our laps for story after story, and lots of cuddling. She has such a tender and compassionate heart and anytime any of us show any kind of sadness, she immediately seeks to comfort and console by rubbing our backs, or giving us hugs, "shhhhhing us" and telling us it's going to be okay. She loves to be prayed for, and will ask for prayer at this tender age of 2 - she should probably be praying for me that I can keep up with her! She is a hilarious and happy child, she is dramatic and delightful, she is sweet and sassy, she is so loving and so likeable, she is fast and furious, she is tenacious and terrific!
Ellison, I want you to know this: You, my dearest daughter, are exactly who God created you to be. He wanted me and your Daddy to have you, and He wanted you to have us as your parents. We pray daily that God will equip us with all the wisdom, strength, endurance, patience, and love that we need to help mold you into the Godly little girl, and eventually Godly woman, that you are meant to be. You are loved always and forever, and always unconditionally.
Happy 2nd Birthday sweet girl!
love,
Mommy
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| Big brother talked her into going to HIS favorite place for her birthday dinner - Chuck E-Cheese! Don't think she minded one bit though :) |
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| I can just flash forward about 15 years from now and see her sitting on top of someone's car in the school parking lot! Just hanging out being her social little self! |
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| So happy to have her own cup of tokens! |
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| She smiled ALL NIGHT! |
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| She must have ridden this little spinning ride 20 times that night, and her expression never changed! |
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| When you asked her how old she was, she would say "five"! |
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| Her expression is priceless |
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| Jay was more excited about her little "cat keyboard" than she was |
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| Opening gifts with my parents at the house |
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| Elijah was amazing all day. He celebrated her so well and expressed his sincere excitement for her special day and his love for her. There was never once even a hint of jealousy that she was getting so much attention - he understood it was her day and he did everything in his little 5 year old power to make sure nothing stood in the way of her day. Here he was hugging her and had just leaned over to her and said, "Ellison, I just love you so much and I'll never forget you"! |
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| He had helped me the day before bake her cake |
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| Birthday morning! |
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| "Ellison, how old are you today? FIVE"! |
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| Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Ellison! (taken the morning of her birthday on the way to church) |
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| Your big brother wanted to take a special picture with you |
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| Enjoying some special E-daddy time! |
