"First Day of Preschool - K3"....

For nearly 4 years Elijah Brooks has been home with me 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.  But today, we both took a very big step and reached yet another milestone. He proudly put on his John Deere backpack, grabbed his new Star Wars lunchbox and thermos, and headed out to door to St. James United Methodist Church preschool. Jay and I have gone back and forth a hundred times about whether or not to send him to preschool. It seems you are really in the minority around here if your child is not in preschool, but we haven't ever been ones to do things just because everyone else is doing them - even if they are great and wonderful things.  In fact, we had him registered somewhere last year, and then pulled him out a month before it was about to begin for the year! We really wanted this to be the right thing for our child and for our family, and the right timing. After much prayer, this seems right, so we are going to try it out. If it works, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too. It's preschool :)  He will go MWF from 9 -1.  This church is literally 30 seconds from my house (I timed it today!), so both of us felt good knowing that we weren't too far away from each other. He will be turning 4 in November, but given the school cutoff, he is in the K3 class this year. There are 9 children in his class and he is a FULL head and shoulders taller than every one of them! In fact, when I walked him in the front door this morning, we were greeted by the music teacher and she said, "Hi there! Are you ready for your first day of Kindergarten"?  I said, "ummm, actually he is in the 3 year old class".  She smiled sweetly and said, his class is down the hall to the left! 

We have been talking about "school" for awhile now, just trying to prepare him. He, like his momma, likes to be prepared for the next thing - no surprises please. This morning he climbed in bed with us about 6:30, snuggled up next to me and said, "I'm kind of anxious today".  I asked him why and he said he was anxious about going to school.  We had a sweet little talk together about how God created him to be exactly who he is, and he doesn't need to try to be anything or anyone that he is not when he goes to school - but just be himself.  Ironically, I found out later today that his bible verse for the month at school is "I am wonderfully made by God".  We talked about loving God and loving others and he seemed to not be as anxious. Actually, I think knowing that he was going to get to take his new Star Wars lunchbox eased the nerves more than my profound talk about loving God!  Oh well, I tried.  He wanted to help me pack his lunch, and of course, had to get his daily pack of fruit snacks - today he chose, "Angry Bird" fruit snacks.  I didn't really have time to make any kind of special breakfast, but managed to put some apple cinnamon muffins in the oven for him and he was happy about that. After breakfast, he was begging me to go upstairs and play cars with him before he had to get dressed, so Ellison and I headed upstairs with him and we played for about 30 minutes before we had to get dressed. We snapped a few pictures outside, and I could hardly believe what I was seeing through the camera lenses - when did my baby boy get so big?  Instead of going through the carpool line on the first day, Ellison and I walked him in to his classroom. He had already talked to his new teacher, "Miss Susan", on the phone (he asked if he could talk to her - that's my boy), so he was kind of prepared to meet her. She immediately welcomed him with open arms and took him to his "cubby".  She asked him if he could find his name, and he did - he took off his backpack and put it and his lunchbox in his cubby. He then found a bucket of dinosaurs on the floor and wanted to play with them, but she said he could play with them during "circle time".  She showed him to his seat at the table and he started playing with a "Mr. Potato Head" toy - but was still pretty persistent in asking her if he could play with the dinosaurs!  I asked his teacher a few last minute questions, hugged him and turned to leave.  He has never been an overly emotional child - no tantrums on the floor, no screaming when I leave him, always very logical etc....., so I really did not anticipate him having any problems when I left.  And thankfully, I was right.  He hugged me and then went right back to his seat at the table.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for him, ALL morning.  Once I got back in the car, the tears started pouring, and then I found myself sobbing.  I was crying yes, because this was a big step and I was so proud of him - so proud of who this little boy is and who he is becoming - but also because today my niece Bradford started K4....., but she didn't have her mommy to walk her in. She didn't have her mommy to fix her hair on the first day of school. She didn't have her mommy pack her lunch. She didn't have her mommy to pray with her and tell her it's all going to be okay.  Thank GOD that she had her amazing grandmother, Bebe, with her.  Mom, I am SO glad that you were with her this morning.

Well, another long story made alittle shorter - I picked him up at 1:00 and he was so sweaty, dirty, and exhausted!  But, he seemed to have a great 1st day.  He wanted to call Bradford when we got home, so the two of them talked for at least 20 minutes on the phone and I learned more about his day eavesdropping on their conversation!  That was precious.

I absolutely LOVE that he wanted to wear his "Larry the Cucumber" watch from Veggie Tales! I really wish I knew how to change the time on that watch to make it correct!

Miss Susan 

Here is to a great start of a new adventure - for both of us! 

"Elijah Brooks' thoughts about his Aunt"....

Elijah Brooks and his beloved Aunt Elliot had a very special relationship. She loved him deeply, and he knew it. He loved her just as deeply, and she knew it too. From the moment Elliot found out that we were expecting him, she was involved in his life. She celebrated every victory and mourned every loss with him. Nothing was too small to be celebrated. She loved him not just with words, but with actions. She made every effort to know what was going on in his life. He could expect daily phone conversations with her and he was always eager to run to the mailbox to see what "happy" she sent to him. She was a part of his daily life, even though she didn't see him daily. She was still involved every day and was a part of his daily routine. He knew her love for him was not bound by distance - her love was unconditional and ran so deep, and no amount of time or distance could ever change that.

When Elliot was taken to her new home in Heaven, I knew Elijah Brooks was going to be deeply affected. He has always been a very verbal child, so it made sense to us the way he began showing his grief - he began talking about her, alot. He is grieving her so deeply, but fortunately continues to be verbal about his thoughts and his feelings which is a healthy way for him to grieve, and it allows us to get a glimpse inside of his little heart and mind. These children are dealing with issues that even the adults cannot comprehend, but they are all grieving in their own way.

As Elijah Brooks continues to grieve and try to process what has happened to his Aunt and to our family, he continues to talk about it. I began writing down some of the things he was saying so that I could remember through the years, and also so that he would know the amazing relationship that he and his Aunt Elliot shared. I will add to this list as the months go by, but here are some of his thoughts from the past 3 months.

Thoughts by Elijah Brooks age 3

June 2012
Elijah Brooks was found lying in the backyard looking up at the sky praying to God. I overheard this conversation:
"Dear God, it's me, Elijah Brooks.  I just really miss my Aunt so much and I pray that you would please send her back down from Heaven so she can play with me. Thank you, Amen".

"I need her Mommy. I just really need her".

"I miss her so much Mommy".

July 2012 
"I am just so sad tonight Mommy. My heart is just so sad".

While we were watching a storm from the window, he was so concerned and said, "Aunt Elliot is up in those clouds somewhere".

"I miss her playing games with me, but I really miss her telling me how much she loves me".

"I am so glad that Aunt Elliot can go swimming with us!  Oh no, wait, Aunt Elliot is in Heaven and can't come swimming".

August 2012 
"Look Mommy! There's Aunt Elliot's cross in the sky"!

We were in the garage getting ready to get in the car and Elijah Brooks looked at the ladder and said, "Mommy, I'll get that ladder for you".  When I asked him why I needed the ladder he said, "So you can climb up and get to Aunt Elliot".

"Dear Jesus, please bring my Aunt back to me"

One Sunday morning, we were dressed for church and about to get in the car. He said that he forgot something inside and asked if he could go back and get it. I let him go back inside and he came out wearing the medal he received for walking in the "Motherwalk" event for Ovarian Cancer. He said he wanted to wear it to church - and he did wear it so proudly.  He told everyone at church that he was wearing it for his Aunt.

"Mommy, will Aunt Elliot have her brown hair again in Heaven"?

"Mommy, I want to listen to Handel's Water Music. It will make my heart feel better".  

On another day, he wanted to pick out his own clothes. This particular day we were going to be running errands around town, but he wanted to wear his "Walk Out Cancer with Elliot" t-shirt. His shirt was huge and came down to his ankles. I encouraged him to choose a smaller shirt since we were going to be around town and then he could wear that shirt when he got home. He insisted on wearing his t-shirt saying, "Mommy, it just makes me feel close to her".   He wore his t-shirt all day long.

September 2012 
"Aunt Elliot was talking to me today in my room while I read books".

While riding in the car one afternoon, I heard him making stretching sounds in the backseat. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw him stretching his arms up to the ceiling. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I am stretching up trying to reach Aunt Elliot, but I'm not tall enough. I need to be taller Mommy" - me too baby - and he kept stretching. 

Elliot and Elijah Brooks, Charlotte, NC the day he was born - November 7, 2008

Elliot and Elijah Brooks - December 2011

"Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month"

Most of you who read this blog I assume already know about our family's battle with Ovarian Cancer. But for those of you who do not, I will give some brief history. My sister Elliot, passed away 3 short months ago from a rare and aggressive form of ovarian cancer. Elliot is my only sibling, and best friend in the world. I fear the hole in my heart will never close. The loss is tremendous and enormously painful. Elliot was 36 years old and left behind her husband and their two children (ages 4 and 6).  I have not opened up publicly on this blog about this, and am not sure if or when I will. Maybe one day I can begin to write about this, but for now, the thoughts and feelings remain close to my heart.  Elliot was diagnosed last September and passed away a mere 8 months later. Little did we know last September, what a journey our small, tight-knit family was about to embark on.  We also didn't know last year, that September is "Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month".  Upon her diagnosis, suddenly we found ourselves in a sea of teal, and surrounded by many other young women with similar diagnoses. We all banded together with Elliot and her friends in the fight for their lives. Jesus took Elliot to her eternal home on May 28, 2012, and we will never be the same. We know we will live forever with her, but until that time, we feel as if we have a mission to carry her story to as many people as we can - both men and women - and to keep her legacy alive. Elliot's diagnosis stunned the medical professionals, as they had never seen a case so rare and so aggressive. She was never in some sort of "high risk" category. She was simply a beautiful, healthy, vibrant, young mother who fell prey to an awful disease. Cancer does not discriminate. Cancer doesn't care what you look like, it doesn't care how wonderful your life is, it doesn't care about how much life you still have left to live, it doesn't care that a family has to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and somehow keep living without their loved one, and it doesn't care about the hurt and confusion in the eyes of young children.  Cancer can affect any one of us at any time.  It is not "that other person's" disease.

Just one week ago, I sent an email out to about 60 women in my contact list telling them a very similar thing - mainly that September was Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. I encouraged them all to make sure that they are going to the doctor regularly and watching their own bodies for changes. There are very few early detection methods for this type of cancer and symptoms easily look like other things. Awareness is the best early detection method because there really isn't anything else out there yet - though research is being done to help find better detection methods.  Well, I had my regular appointment on the calendar for Monday, and had sent the email out the night before on Sunday. My doctor wants to see me every 6 months instead of every year now, so when Ellison was born, I went ahead and made my 6 month appointment.  I went to the doctor alone, already alittle vulnerable and fragile having not been in that environment since Elliot's death. I was supposed to have an ultrasound first before seeing the doctor. The ultrasound tech asked why I was there since I wasn't having any symptoms, and I told her that I was there for preventative care and then proceeded to tell her Elliot's story. We were both in tears, but she said she had already heard of her story through Facebook, though she didn't know her.  She then began my ultrasound and got very quiet. I knew what that meant. She said, "well, your right ovary looks okay, but your left one does not - but I don't want to freak you out".  She then said, "your doctor might just want to be more proactive after what your sister just went through and your family history now".  (Before Elliot's diagnosis, we had no family history of ovarian cancer). Well, I tried to maintain my composure and headed down the long hallway, up the elevator, to my doctor's room. I lost all composure when he walked in the room - mainly because it was an all too familiar scene and the language was all too familiar, and honestly, I just wanted my sister there with me. He told me that I had a complex cyst on my left ovary and that my ovary and fallopian tube needed to be removed (complex means that a cyst is filled with fluid and also some solid material. The fluid is not a concern, but the solid material is). All of a sudden, I had a flashback to being in my car when my sister called to tell me that her doctor found a complex cyst on her ovary that was of some concern.  My head and my heart were in overdrive at this point and I found myself discussing surgical options with my doctor when I just thought I was coming in for a regular check-up. Having been through what we have with Elliot, we simply know too much now - which is a very good thing, but can also scare you out of your mind. My doctor, given that I am now considered, "high risk", was being very proactive which we all appreciated. Given too that I have had trouble for quite some time (2 other surgeries on same ovary),  I was actually very confident in his recommendation. I was not frightened about having my ovary removed, but was frightened because of why I needed it removed. Cancer cells can change and multiply in a matter of hours as we saw with Elliot, so none of us wanted to take any chance that I might also be falling prey to the same awful disease that took my sister's life. So, I left the doctor's office in tears and alone, and called Jay. Jay immediately agreed with the doctor's recommendation and surgery was scheduled for 3 weeks later. 3 weeks later?  There was no way that my family could endure waiting 3 weeks. It had already been 3 days and I hadn't eaten a thing due to anxiety. We prayed and prayed and prayed, asking God to please allow an earlier time for the surgery.  In the meantime, I had some of the best doctors in the country on standby to do the surgery if my own doctor couldn't move it up.  On Thursday afternoon at 4:00, I got a phone call from the surgery scheduling nurse and she said that a time had opened up for the next morning at 11:30am and did I want to take it.  I fully believe God gave us such grace to have this appointment moved up so quickly - my family was worrying sick - it was just all too familiar, too similar, too raw, and too unbelievable.  So, Friday morning, just 6 days ago, I had my left ovary/fallopian tube/cyst removed. Only my Dad and Jay went with me to the hospital. There were hardly any words spoken between us that entire morning. We were all just praying silently, but the anxiety was almost choking. We had just been living in a hospital with my sister for months prior to this, and again, the scene was just too familiar - too close to home - too painful to relive - too frightening. As I lay in the hospital bed in my blue hospital gown all alone, I just wept - silently, and aloud. Could this really be happening all over again, just 3 months later?  I was hit with the realization that, yes, it really could be happening, and there was a real possibility. Remember, cancer does not discriminate and this is not "that other person's" disease. I thought about my sister and what she had been through for 8 months, in and out of the hospital so many times. I thought about the pain that she had to endure. I thought about her fears and how scared I know she must have been. I thought about her faith and her courage, even when she didn't know what the doctor was about to come in and tell her. I thought about how she is my hero, and how much I wished that she had been there with me. For Christmas, Elliot gave every member of our family a "Cling Cross". It is a little wooden cross that fits in the palm of your hand, and you can carry it around wherever you go, whenever you need to cling to the Cross. It went with me for Ellison's birth, and to Elliot's funeral, and was also in my hand during my surgery. My doctor came in, found me with tears streaming down my face, and said it was about time.  Jay prayed over me, and then kissed me and my Dad kissed me, and then they took me back to the OR.

Long story made alittle shorter, the surgery went according to plan and I returned home that evening. It has been 6 days and I haven't been able to pick up Ellison yet, so that has been really difficult. I haven't been able to nurse her until today, but she has been such a trooper. My Mom, who is the most amazing woman I have ever known along with my sister, has stayed with us this week to help with the children. Elijah Brooks has done great - we didn't tell him why I was having surgery, but did tell him I was having surgery. I didn't want to scare him, especially after what he saw Elliot go through. He has been the best nurse, coming into my room several times saying, "Mommy, can I get you food or drink"?!    The anxiety has still been very high this week as we have had to wait for the pathology report to come back, but finally the phone rang yesterday and the words were, "Mrs. Joye, your pathology report says, 'Unremarkable and Benign'".  I have never been so thankful to be called, "unremarkable" in my life.  I immediately got on the floor and thanked God over and over and over for His mercy. I had prayed so much during the week that God would please show my family mercy - I just couldn't bear to see my family go through any more heartache. I then cried, wishing so much and not understanding why Elliot's phone call 8 months ago had not said the same thing. Instead, her phone call said, "Mrs. Williams, we found cancer in your ovary".  And with those 8 words, the course of her life was changed forever, and so was ours.

I write all of this to reiterate the importance of going to the doctor friends. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Better yet, know the right questions to ask. Thankfully, I knew the right questions to ask my doctor. Get educated. I confess, I didn't know anything about Ovarian Cancer before Elliot. I wish to God that I had gotten educated a different way other than the way that I did, but now I know. And now it's my job to help educate others about this disease.

Please visit this website http://www.ovarian.org/about_us.php when you have some time to look at it.  Look at the link called, "medical information".  Familiarize yourself with the symptoms, and some of the various tests that you can ask your doctor for. Read the shocking statistics of this disease. Find out all you can about this disease and then tell others. Like I said in the beginning of this post, there are very few early detection methods for this disease. Awareness is the best early detection method.

As September approaches, please look for ways to get involved and show your support. Teal is the color for Ovarian cancer. Get creative. Do something to make someone take notice and ask you what you are wearing or what you are doing. Whatever you can do to make conversation with someone else about this disease will help create awareness. 11 months ago, I knew nothing about this disease. You never know, but you may be the very one to help save someone else's life - maybe even your own or a family member's. 

If you know us, and even if you don't, please continue to lift my precious family up in prayer. The days are so long and so difficult living without our beloved daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, and best friend.

Thank you for listening.

"Marry me....."

Elijah Brooks began pulling away from me and moving more towards his Daddy several months ago. I have heard this is normal for little boys his age, but it was beginning to break a momma's heart!  However, I have noticed him gravitating back more towards me since Elliot's death. He doesn't want me out of his sight for very long. So, he has decided that if he marries me, then he won't ever have to be away from me.  Last week, he came up to me and said, "Mommy, ONE MORE WEEK"!  I asked him what he was talking about and he said, "ONE MORE WEEK TILL I MARRY YOU"!  He was so excited and absolutely certain that we were going to get married.  He has talked about it every day since he first came up with his plan. Every day he says, "mommy, I am so excited that we are getting married". Each morning when he wakes up, he says, "today is marry day".  Well, over the weekend he planned the wedding. He told me that we are getting married on Thursday (8/23/12), at 11:00am at Trinity Church. He has also planned the music by himself. We will have the "Hallelujah Chorus", and "Angels from the Realms of Glory", played on the organ by E-Daddy.  Jay will marry us, and he will give me his "tiger ring" that he got from the zoo gift shop.

Elijah Brooks, I will marry you and will gladly accept your tiger ring, and will wear it proudly! 

I LOVE YOU, and never want to be away from you either!

"Family pics"....

Family Pictures, Baytowne Wharf, Sandestin Beach and Golf Resort  

                    July 2012 

These 2 are crazy!  They look like twins. 

We were all trying our best to smile, even through tears. Wyatt kept saying, "someone is missing".  The kids did keep us laughing so that helped.  This was supposed to be an "on the beach" photo, until it started pouring down rain! 

Bebe and E-daddy and their 4 grandchildren (Bradford 4, Wyatt 6 1/2, Elijah Brooks 3 1/2, and Ellison 6 months)  

Wyatt and Elijah Brooks - Wyatt is his biggest hero. He will do and say anything Wyatt does - for better or worse!! They do love each other so much.  

"7 months - already"

SO hard to believe my baby girl is 7 months already.  I think I say the same thing each time a new month rolls around, but it just is so hard to believe it. So much has happened in 7 months, but I am trying to take in all of Ellison's milestones as best I can.

I wouldn't put it past this baby girl to be walking soon. Just about a week shy of turning 7 months, she started pulling up on the couch and cruising around. She is so strong and so determined!  It won't be long.  She is a good 3 months ahead developmentally where Elijah Brooks was, and we thought he was fast - especially for a boy.  But, Ellison is flying along!  She started crawling at 6 months and then pulling up just a few weeks ago, walking around the sides of the couches.  She has 4 teeth now - 2 on top and 2 on bottom.  She has learned to clap and also how to sign, "more".  I think she may be my climber!  EB was never interested in climbing, but Ellison definitely seems to be. Her personality is certainly coming into full bloom now!  She, as well as her brother, loves people and life. Her smile will light up the darkest of rooms, and her squeal will shatter the finest of glass! She and her brother enjoy "talking" to one another through squealing. They will echo each other constantly - it is hilarious, but oh so loud!  Elijah Brooks can match his squeal to whatever pitch hers is - sometimes I even have a hard time telling the difference of who is who. Ellison knows exactly what she wants when she wants it.  She has a very determined personality and is extremely motivated. She is eating 3 meals a day now, with milk in between. She takes 2 naps aday, and is sleeping okay at night.  She is not sleeping though the night yet, but honestly since she was born, she has had more interruptions to a "normal schedule" than the average baby.  So, I am okay with it all - she will get it - I am not worried at all.  Sure, a full night's sleep would be nice, but it will happen. We've all been through so much.
She loves to be outside in her stroller, but I think she will enjoy it even more when the weather cools down alittle. She is on the move constantly. Thought she might be my snuggler, but not so much!  She wants to get down and move!  She will snuggle at night with me, so I will take it.

That about wraps it up for this month. 

She loves to climb on EB

Seriously, he looks 12 in this picture!  Yeah, he's 3.

She loves him. Wherever he is, is where she wants to be.  And it goes the other way too. I pray that they will be best friends and have a very special relationship one day.

"Birthday fun"...

Our precious niece Bradford turned 4 last week. It was such a bittersweet day for all of us without Bradford's mommy with us. We simply couldn't wrap our minds around the fact that Elliot did not get to see her baby turn 4. Of course, she was there - she was everywhere - we just couldn't see her with our earthly eyes. But, her presence and her spirit were everywhere. Chris did an amazing job of putting the party together and keeping the traditions that Elliot made years ago.  He left no stone unturned, and was so courageous throughout the day. All of us wanted to fall apart at every turn, but God gave us courage and strength to face each minute. Bradford seemed to have a wonderful time, although she stuck very close by me and other family members during the party. Here are a few snapshots of the morning.

Me and my big girl

The birthday girl climbing up the water slide

Me and the birthday girl 

This beautiful yellow rose was sitting on the cake table and represented my beautiful sister. Yellow roses are Elliot's favorite. I confess, I saw this rose and while I was so thankful that it was there for Bradford, I was so angry that it had to be there. Elliot should have been at her daughter's 4th birthday party - not a yellow rose in her place. Very, very hard.

My beautiful mom - such a brave and courageous woman

My nephew Wyatt - and a spitting image of his mommy when she was a little girl

Cousins enjoying ice cream together. These children have been through more than most children in their young lives. They are really leaning on each other for comfort and support - when they aren't antagonizing each other!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET "MISS B"!

"Silly goober...."

This goober is cracking us up these days. I must do better about writing down funny things that he says, and I will. Recently at dinner he informed us that he didn't need parents anymore. So, our conversation went something like this:

Elijah B : "I don't think I need to live with y'all anymore"
Me: "Oh really? Why is that buddy"?
EB: "Because I don't need parents anymore"
Me: "Well, who is going to feed you"?
EB: "I will just get some dried mango from the pantry"
Me: "Well, who is going to tuck you in at night"?
EB: "I will just go across the street to Mrs. Marty's house and she can". 
Me: "Okay then, how are you going to get to church"?
EB: "I will just ride my tractor"
Me: "Who is going to dress you before you go ride"?
EB: "I will just ride naked"!