"Still learning....."

As I continue my journey of grief, I am constantly amazed at the fluctuating emotions I am capable of feeling in the same day, and often at the same moment. My grief still surprises me, still catches me off guard. It's a deep grief, and one that is utterly indescribable unless someone has walked their own road of deep grief. You can't control it. You can't tell it to end. It will keep coming back, even after you have tried to convince yourself and those around you that you are okay. It's easy to make yourself appear to be okay - we all do it. We wake up each day and put on some sort of mask to cover up grief, anger, disappointment, resentment, shame, disbelief, hopelessness, frustration, anxiety, you name it..., it can be masked, and we are "masterful maskers". To the watching world, I probably appear to be doing pretty good these days, but the sorrow in my heart is a deep well. I have learned to "smile through the tears in my heart" - the world may not see the tears in my eyes as frequently, but the tears have simply found a new home, in my heart. But it's strange, the joy that I feel at times has also surprised me. I never thought I would be able to smile again, laugh again, much less stand upright again after the past few years, but God is tender. He is faithful. He is there to catch me when I sink and there to set my heart soaring again when I rise. It's a cycle, and I am learning the rhythm of this cycle of my new life.

One of my dearest friends, who didn't even know Elliot or what we were going through until she was taken Home, has been one of the most encouraging and faithful companions on this journey. She has willingly taken on this burden and is helping me bear the awful load, continuing daily to point me to Christ. She strikes the delicate balance of empathy, compassion, and truth. She will "feel it all" with me, but always continuing to encourage me to persevere and continue my fight for joy. I was having a particularly sad day a few days ago and she sent me something to read. I admit, the first time I read it, I was in a bad place and I didn't even want to think that joy was possible again. Felt almost like betrayal. I just wanted to sit in my sadness. I think there is time for that, and even a place for it, for a time.  But as my favorite Scripture says, "May the God of HOPE, fill you with ALL JOY and PEACE as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15:13).  My friend was right. More often than not, joy and sorrow go hand in hand. Since she sent this to me, I have had several instances where this has been true. Joy and sorrow, existing in the same space in my heart, taking up residence together, and they are learning to dance together as I persevere in praising my Savior all the day long. 

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow", and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater". But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that they other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy." 

                                                             - Kahlil Gibran 

My hope is not in how I "feel" on a certain day. My hope is in Jesus Christ, and the power of His Resurrection..., for it is that truth which makes it possible to continue my journey...., I know where the end of this road leads...., right into the arms of my Loving and Ever Faithful Shepherd. 

This weekend, I took Ellison to the park. As I watched her run wild and free, I was struck by how much she looked like my sister and acted like her in that moment - free spirited. Her giant blue eyes, bouncing curls, and infectious smile had "Elliot" written all over them. While I was so thankful that God gave me a glimpse of my sister, the sorrow of her not being here to know this precious child that she loved so much just caused the sorrow to bubble to the surface and spill out. Joy and sorrow - hand in hand, existing in the same time and space, in the same heart. 

Also this weekend, my sister's children came down for a quick visit. We had no agenda, didn't look at a clock until bedtime, and had nothing to do but watch children run wild and free. This was the first time in a very long time that all 4 children seemed at peace in their souls. They have all been through as much, if not more than the adults have, and they too are learning this delicate balance of joy and sorrow coexisting....., like roommates living together for the first time and having to adjust to each other's quirks, routines, and preferences.  This weekend, I was thankful that the joy in their hearts was spilling out everywhere. Tomorrow, they may experience their own sorrow just like we do, but today, their joy was full, and it was contagious. I tried to capture it as much as I could with my camera, while still existing in the moment with them. I never want my camera to be a substitute for me being "present" with them, but at the same time, it is so important to capture these moments. One day we will all look back at these pictures, this devastating time of our lives, and we will truly be able to say with the hymnwriter, "Jesus led me all the way". 

"Favorite Spring Family Fun".....

For the past 3 years we have served with the "Miracle League" baseball team. Jay has been the "coach" for the past several years, and EB has been his little "assistant coach". We have had roughly the same team since we started, and that has given us the chance to develop relationships with them. This has become our family's favorite thing to do together each Spring. Our friends make us smile and laugh like no one else can. They are so very content, so joyful, so trusting, and so loving. The smiles on their faces bring belly laughs out of us!  They love us so simply, so uncomplicated, but so deeply.

Our children are beginning to develop the same love for our friends that we have, and seeing them interact with them could melt the hardest of hearts. Elijah's empathetic, compassionate, and tender heart is growing bigger and bigger each year.  Any ounce of "fear" or uncertainty has completely left him, and he sees no difference between himself and them. He loves them so purely. He simply loves to play baseball with them and looks for opportunities to talk to them or help them on the field. Ellison showed her compassionate heart just tonight when one of our players was crying. Kim threw her arms around me crying and laid her head down on my shoulder. Ellison, who was in my arms, said, "I want hug Miss Kim too, she sad, she cry, I want hug her"...., and so she did.

Thankful for these opportunities, to love and be loved.

This is half of the team - the rest were on another bus and it was late! Our team this year is called, "Dogs on Call". 

Love, love, love this guy!  He calls himself, "Artist".  He is always smiling, and always doing something so goofy!

Great friends, enjoying each other's company in the dugout! 

This is our good friend Raymon - such a happy guy, all the time

"Assistant Coach # 2" 

EB giving Leah a ball 

Doing a "happy dance" after someone had a great bat! 

EB talking to Matt 

Jay walking Leah around the bases 

EB giving a ball to Christian.  Christian will hug and kiss me every time he sees me and tell me how much he loves me! 

"Artist" being goofy again! 

Our friend Terry up to bat 

on the move.......

Kim 

Entire team at the end of the game.