On November 8, 2013, my sweet sister Elliot would have turned 38 years young..., the day after my sweet son turned 5. Five short years ago, she wanted him to be born on her birthday so badly! We celebrated both of their birthday's in a hospital room in Charlotte, NC.
On Elijah Brooks' birthday the day before, I had a particularly difficult afternoon. I found myself waiting all day for her to call him and wish him a happy birthday. I knew in my heart that she couldn't, but somehow in my head I still found myself waiting. Grief will do strange things to a heart and a head. The entire weekend was one of such strange emotions - I celebrated my son, so very thankful for his life, so thankful I was here to see his face light up on his birthday, so thankful that we were all together, and I even had feelings of guilt that I was able to be with my son on his birthday and she was not able to be with her children. I found myself mourning my sister the majority of the afternoon. I cried for several hours that afternoon from a broken heart. I just miss her so much.
I feel she went to her eternal home far too early, but who am I to make that judgement call. I am the created, my Father is the Creator and I trust Him. There are days where that is easier to type than others. There are days when my heart can accept that easier than others. I always accept it because honestly, I do trust Him, fully. How can I not? But some days truthfully, it is hard to accept. Some days I am kicking at screaming - not at God, but at the circumstance. Every day is difficult, as there are constant reminders everywhere at all times that she left this earth too early from my limited perspective. But birthday's are hard, so very hard. They are stark reminders of a life that was, and a new life that is. Yes, she is still with us, and we celebrate her life as we always have...., it's just we couldn't see her or hear her voice, or hug her. Those things are painful reminders of the great loss our family has suffered, but we will press on. And we will continue to celebrate Elliot. Her sweet children were able to be with us on her birthday and we were so thankful to have them with us. Before they left their home, they released yellow balloons at the cemetery in her honor. When they arrived at my parents house, we all had a birthday dinner together to celebrate her. Oh we laughed!! I kept thinking to myself as I watched her children belly laugh at their crazy Uncle Jay, how much Elliot would have loved this. My mom made a special birthday dessert in honor of Elliot, and she explained to the kids what it symbolized. The angel food cake represented the angel that their mommy is now. The strawberries represented Elliot's heart of love, the cool whip represented the clouds that our family notices on a daily basis now, and the yellow candle represented "Elliot's Light" that still shines brightly in this world. We sang "Happy Birthday" to her, and the kids blew out the candles. I sang through my tears, and watched the kids dive into their dessert - as only kids can do. I thought once again, Elliot would have loved watching her children celebrate her....., nothing in this world was ever about Elliot...., she always was watching everyone else and celebrating them. This was our time to celebrate HER.
Once the children were tucked in bed and asleep, I stayed at my parents house for the next 3 hours or so and my Mom and I made Elijah Brooks' cake for his birthday party which was the next morning. As difficult as it was to be making a birthday cake for my son on my sister's birthday, it was actually a very sweet time for us. Mom and I only wished that Elliot had been sitting next to us helping us - she would have loved every second of it! She is so creative and would have added her own creative spin to his cake, and would have loved to have spent her birthday doing something for someone else. That's just who she is.
I had a very quiet drive home late that night and did alot of thinking. It really amazed me that both of my children were born at such important times in my sister's life. Elijah Brooks was born the day before her and their birthday's have always been celebrated together, and always will be. And Ellison was born right in the middle of Elliot's illness, and provided such hope and joy for all of us in the midst of such a dark and ugly time. I believe God gave me both of our children for such a time as this - they both represent the beauty, hope, and joy still left in this broken world.
Happy Birthday to my big sister and best friend in the world. We are one day closer to being together again. I love you.
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| Sweet Bradford celebrating her mommy's birthday. The following day, Bradford found a yellow balloon that she wanted me to release into the sky. She told me that her mommy said she wanted her sister to send her a balloon. So, she and I held hands and I released the balloon into the sky. We sat there and watched it until it disappeared into the clouds. When we could no longer see it Bradford whispered, "good catch Mommy". Surely this must be a dream I am living. |
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| Wyatt laughed and laughed this night - was so good to see him laugh! |
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| Me and my sweet nephew |
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| Elijah Brooks' Taekwondo cake for his birthday party the next morning! |
