"Innocence"....

Daily, I wish I could protect my children's innocence. I wish I could shield them from the harshness of this world. I wish I could always protect their hearts, their minds, their souls. I wish they knew nothing of the sin, brokenness, and ugliness of this world. I wish I didn't have to tell them that they can't trust everyone, and that there are people in this world who are not good. I wish they knew no sadness, experienced no loss, and lived carefree and happy all of the time. That is Heaven though, and not Earth. As long as they live on this Earth, they will experience all that we experience - they will break hearts and their hearts will be broken. We are doing our best, by God's grace and His wisdom, to train them how to deal with life's blows and hardships. We are trying to teach them how to keep breathing and keep climbing out of the valleys of life.  If you have never experienced suffering personally, or your children never have, it's only a matter of time before you do. Not a one of us can escape this world unscarred in some form. This is not meant to be a sad and "woe is me" post, but an authentic one. I can only protect my children from so much - they have a Heavenly Father who can protect them far more than I can. But, I do have a job to teach them how to respond to the "heat" of this life....., how to be in the fire, but not be consumed. My Dad always told us growing up, and even now at times when we feel overwhelmed by the "heat" of this life to simply, "find the coolest spot in the heat". There is alot of Biblical truth to that statement I believe. The Bible is the "coolest spot in the heat". I am thankful for God's Word that I can keep directing them back to, along with myself, to keep us grounded in TRUTH, when emotionally many times we all just want to fall apart.  

"Fear NOT, for I have redeemed you: I have called you by name and you are MINE. Therefore, when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2, 3 

Recently, Elijah Brooks has become more vocal about losing his Aunt. He is in the midst of suffering right now, and the heat around his little heart is hot. He is trying his best to sort through this, and to navigate the deep waters of grief in his heart. I can't write down every conversation that we have about it, but there are daily conversations - 100% started by him. He wants to talk, he wants to ask questions, he wants to remember, he wants to mourn, and he needs to do all of these things....., so I am available to him. I do keep directing him back to God's Word assuring Him that God is close to the brokenhearted, that He has promised that we are not going to walk through this alone, and that we will not be overcome by this suffering......, truthfully, there are times when I am having to tell him these things by sheer determination of my will and my core beliefs, what I KNOW to be true....., even when I don't "feel it".  But it is TRUTH, whether or not we "feel it" or not at times.  That is the essence of faith, and that is what is getting us through this valley. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (or feel), Hebrews 11:1 

A few days ago I heard him crying in his room. I went to check on him and asked him what was wrong. He said, "you know mommy, the same thing that's always wrong, the same thing I always cry about"......, all completely unprompted by me, and I still do not know if anything in particular brought this on that day.  But really, he is like the rest of us...., doesn't really matter if anything in particular brings it on or not. It's grief, and there is no roadmap, and sometimes you just feel like crying.  Well, today he was outside doing some chalk drawing and I went out and asked him what he was drawing....., his response, "I am drawing the Ovarian Cancer racetrack" (we did a walk last year, and will do it annually in support of funding for research). He was very meticulous about his drawing and knew exactly what he was doing. And then he said, "I am drawing this for Aunt". Never in my imagination would I have ever thought I would hear the words "ovarian cancer" come out of my 4 year old's mouth. I wish I could protect him always....., but the fact is, that is now a part of his vocabulary. I wish he knew nothing of suffering, but he does. I wish that this world was not so harsh, but it is. But, this world is not our home....., and that is the TRUTH I will continue teaching my children and pray that God would cause it to take root in their hearts. I pray God will help our children as they grow, to see that they are merely strangers passing through this foreign land, and that it will give them courage  to face the "heat" of this life. 

The "Ovarian Cancer Racetrack", drawn by Elijah Brooks, age 4 1/2