Yesterday we celebrated Elijah Brooks' 4th birthday, and today, we celebrate Elliot's 37th birthday. The whirlwind of emotions that I feel right now seems incomprehensible. I watched my precious son turn 4 yesterday, I celebrate the past 36 years of my sister's life today, grieve her and long for her more than ever, and this upcoming weekend, we will watch God fulfill His covenant promise to our daughter as she will be baptized Sunday. I am not sure how much more a human heart can bear. Today was the first day in 34 years that I did not hear my sister's voice on her birthday. Last year on her birthday, I drove my big, pregnant self to Birmingham to spend the day with her. She has just shaved her head the night before (on EB's birthday), and I met her in the Publix parking lot because she wanted to be "normal" and go grocery shopping. This was her first outing in public wearing her new wig. I was so honored to be with her on that big day. We went straight in to the bathroom at Publix and she wanted to adjust her wig, and I was adjusting my maternity pants! There we were staring at each other in the mirror, 2 sisters going through the 2 most monumental events of our life - one so happy and one so devastatingly heartbreaking. But, I am confident that the glow of Christ on her face was brighter than the pregnancy glow on my face. We finished our shopping, and went back to her house to just have a "normal, low-key" day, because that's what she wanted. The kids were at school, so it was just us. I offered to take her out to lunch, but she insisted on me sitting down and getting off my feet while she made ME lunch. That's just who Elliot is - always thinking about other people. We sat at the kitchen table together just talking - not about cancer - but about anything else. After lunch, we sat on the den floor and I gave her 2 new hat boxes to store her 2 new wigs in. She seemed to really love them as they were so beautiful. I also gave her a small prayer journal to keep in her car, so whenever she had a thought pop into her head, she could write it down immediately. I would have stayed all afternoon, but wanted to make sure that she had plenty of family time with Chris and the kids, so I left mid-afternoon to drive home. I was so thankful for that time with her on her birthday.
I had a very hard time falling asleep last night anticipating today, but when I awoke this morning, I had such a strong sense of urgency to talk to her. I wasn't sure what to do, so I sent her a text on her cell phone - which is still running. I just needed to tell her "Happy Birthday" and how much she is loved and cherished by me. I hit "send", and actually found myself sitting on the floor, staring at my phone, waiting for her response - it never came. But, I was able to tell her what I wanted to tell her and I was thankful for that.
I had planned on taking the children to Birmingham today to be with my parents, Chris, and the kids, but Ellison is now sick with the same cold that Elijah Brooks had last week so I stayed home playing Star Wars with EB and taking care of a sick baby. I think Elliot would have told me that I was doing the right thing - but it was still so hard. When Ellison woke up from her nap, I did manage to get them in the car and ran up to the store and bought 4 yellow balloons. I knew I needed to do something today in her honor, but wasn't really sure what to do. When we came home, we wrote short notes to Aunt Elliot, went out in the backyard and released the balloons. We sang "Happy Birthday" to her, and watched the balloons disappear into the perfectly blue sky. After dinner, Elijah Brooks and I went on a date to get ice cream and continued to celebrate Aunt Elliot's birthday.
My hands are now frozen and I have no idea what to even type now - I am still in disbelief that she is not here in an earthly sense - have accepted it completely, but still in utter disbelief.
Her life was celebrated by so many people today, and I feel like our family was carried on angel's wings today - quite possibly the wings of our dear Elliot.
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| The 4th balloon was released by Jay in private late this evening. |
"Happy Birthday to my dear sister, and best friend in the world. You are the most courageous and beautiful woman this world has known, and I am so honored to be your little sister. You will forever be in my heart, and as Chris says, 'we are one day closer'. I love you Elliot".
3 comments:
Erin,
My heart aches for you and your family. Praying for you today and always as you remember your sister and look forward to a sweet reunion one day.
-Andrea
This post just makes my heart hurt so deeply for you Erin. I have a lump in my throat and can almost feel your disbelief and longing for her from reading your words. Praying for you daily.
Erin, thank you for this. It helps me remember last year and all the things that made Elliot so loved and so special. One special attorney friend spent two hours with me today recounting in precise and loving phrases what made Elliot "Elliot." It was comforting, and he was God-sent. Bradford asked me for help with her ballon at the cemetary late yesterday afternoon. The helium had gone out, and it was not going up high in the air. "E-Daddy," she came running. "Can you help me with my ballone. It won't got up to heaven!" Elliot would smile, hold her close, and say, "O baby, that is so precious. I love you so much." Enjoyed spending time with you and family and with EB on his special day on Wednesday. In spite of our pain, and suffering, we are blessed beyond measure. Surely God will redeem Elliot's death in His time, but for the moment, I still am in total disbelief, but have as you say accepted that she has died, and will not return. Why Elliot, Lord, Why Elliot? I keep asking, but I have no answer. Love Dad
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