"Christmas Eve 2012"

Christmas Eve has always been my favorite day of the year. There is just something about the anticipation of waiting. When I was younger, and quite possibly even into adulthood, I confess the waiting wasn't for the Christ child to be born and burst through this darkened world and into my darkened heart. It was waiting for music, family, gifts, the sights and sounds of the season, and the traditions - and all of those things are good things, when kept in perspective. This year has been different. I am finding myself waiting for Christ more than ever before. I just want Him to come back and take us all out of this world of suffering. I want Him to hurry and defeat sin and evil and sickness and suffering once and for all. But I know that His timing is not mine, so here I am - waiting. I am waiting with hope though, because I know the end of the story.

Christmas Eve was heart-wrenching, lonely, happy, strange, sad and beautiful. I once again, experienced such a myriad of emotions as I often have over the past year. There were moments of panic, anxiety, and intense wrestling in my own spirit as I looked everywhere for my sister. But there were equal moments of a deep, abiding contentment knowing that she is safe in the arms of Jesus. There were also times of overwhelming thankfulness for Christ and what His coming means for me - His forgiveness, my assurance of salvation, the promise of eternal life, and that He is with me in the here and now, carrying me through each second of my life. I feel quite sure that Jesus had a rather large bottle to catch my ocean of tears this year - tears for so many reasons.

I am humbled that I have had many opportunities to sing this December in several different venues. When Elliot first received her diagnosis, I shut down musically for nearly a year. I then made a promise to the Lord in August of this year that I would begin singing again with His help. And even though it was very hard to reach deep inside of me and find that joy again, with His help, I am beginning to find joy in music once again. It is healing for me to sing - still quite hard - but healing on some level. I know most of us can sing Christmas carols with our eyes closed, but this year, I focused on the text of the carols in a way that I have never done before. I was moved to tears nearly every verse of every carol - the theology is so rich and the truth of the Gospel hit me right between the eyes and pierced my heart like never before. I have seen Jesus this year - I have experienced Him - I have known Him - I have loved and been loved by Him - I have been in awe of Him - I have been fearful of Him - I have been curious about Him  - I have come to Him in angst - and I have stilled my soul before Him.

I was given a wonderful opportunity to sing on Christmas Eve this year for a church that is not my home church. I attended the 5:00pm service at my own church, and then my parents and I did something different this year - we drove downtown to one of the most beautiful churches in the city and I sang for the midnight Christmas Eve service. I began singing at 10:00 and finished at 12:30am - on Christmas Day. Throughout this service, there were ample opportunities for personal, quiet reflection. It was one of the most beautiful services I have ever attended, and then to have been able to sing was such an honor. My Dad talks often about "thin places" - where the temporal and the spiritual realm are bridged and the gap narrows. As I was singing during this service, and allowing God to do whatever He wanted to do in my own heart, I felt as if the veil had been lifted somewhat, and Heaven wasn't all that far away. I immersed myself into the music, the text, Scripture, Communion, and just allowed Christ's love to wash over me and burst through into my broken heart. Isn't this why He came? He came for the brokenhearted, He came for the lonely, He came to fix this dark and broken world, He came to defeat sickness and sin and bring light and hope and peace - Love came down....., and during the quietness of that Christmas Eve service, my heart sensed it, it felt it, it believed it.  I am still a very broken woman with a very broken heart as I mourn the loss of my sister, but I thank God that He gave me those several hours of beauty and of truth. Yes, the church was gorgeous, the smells of incense and pine were intoxicating, the music was heavenly, but JESUS CHRIST WAS BEAUTIFUL. The veil was lifted for a brief moment in time and Jesus showed us Himself, that He is here with us - Emmanuel, God with us. We are saved from our helplessness, from our loneliness, and from our pain...., and we are not alone - Emmanuel, God with us. 

My precious parents and I walked out of the church at 12:30 in the morning in dense fog that enveloped us like a blanket saying, "Merry Christmas" to each other through our tears, knowing that we had all seen Jesus - and Jesus was with Elliot and she was with Him, so really she wasn't that far away from us either.

Christmas Eve this year was so full of emotions, but so full of Jesus. I can only imagine the beauty that my sister beheld that evening. Doesn't it make you just long for His return?  (lyrics below from one of my hundreds of favorite Christmas songs, "E'en so Lord Jesus Quickly Come").

Peace be to you and grace from Him, who freed us from our sin. Who loved us all, and shed his blood, that we might saved be.

Sing holy, holy to our Lord, The Lord almighty God. Who was and is, and is to come, sing holy, holy Lord.

Rejoice in heaven, all ye that dwell therein, rejoice on earth, ye saints below. For Christ is coming, is coming soon, for Christ is coming soon.

E'en so Lord Jesus quickly come, and night shall be no more. They need no light, no lamp, nor sun, for Christ will be their All.