"Humbled"

Today is Sunday. It is a dreary day..., no sunshine, just the grey clouds that hang over our little farmhouse in the middle of the country.  Yet, I see beauty all around me.  For you see, today is one more day that we were given to love our baby boy.  It has been a hard day for Elijah Brooks. He can't quite seem to discern whether he is hungry, or tired, happy, or sad.  I have been humbled today as I sat down with a cup of coffee and read someone's blog..., someone I don't even know.  This mother recently lost her baby girl, one week after she was born.  I feel ashamed today, as I think back over our day today.  I am ashamed as I have witnessed my own selfishness rise to a new level simply because I didn't get my own way today.  I wanted to go to church so badly, for it has been 3 months since I have been to church with Elijah Brooks.  Each Sunday, I have had the best of intentions. I take record fast showers, throw on my clothes, only to get spit up and poop on them and have to change clothes.  I have to strategically plan with my son will eat, so that I can "plan" on when he will spit up (trying to avoid that happening in the middle of the sermon). I have to then plan when I "think" that he might sleep so as to avoid the cries of an exhausted child in the middle of the choir's reverent anthem.  I thought, surely today is the day!  We were both dressed for church..., Elijah Brooks in his adorable blue corderoy outfit, and me in something other than sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt.  Daddy was already at church waiting on our anticipated arrival.  I was so excited to finally be able to walk down the aisle holding Elijah Brooks in my arms, on our way to listen to Daddy preach the children's sermon.  Today, our baby was tired. He was hungry. He was mad. He was sad. He was happy. All of this seemed to happen at the same time and he was confused and frustrated...., and so was Mommy.  With every minute that passed, it was becoming very apparent that my "perfect" plan was quickly unraveling.  I thought to myself, and even said aloud a few times, "why do I even bother? It's obvious that I won't ever get to go to church ever again".  Well, of course I know that is not true and simply came from the heart of a mother who is tired (not much sleep last night).  We will eventually get to go to church with Daddy one day..., just not today.  Maybe we'll try next week. And if that doesn't happen, well, we will just try the next week. 

So, as I sit here in tears, having just read about a mother whose arms are empty today because she doesn't have her baby to hold, I just thank God for today...., a day of confusion and a day of frustration...., a day of being inconvenienced because my precious son needed me. How could I be so selfish? Just being upset because I didn't get "my way".  I too lost a baby in 2006 and spent years praying for my womb to be filled again with life.  

I thank God that I am able to gaze into my baby's beautiful, blue eyes everyday. I get to kiss his little toes morning and night. I get to feel the tight grasp of his tiny fingers around my fingers. I get to be the one to comfort him when he is in pain, or just simply exhausted. I am the blessed one who he looks to for nourishment, and who is deeply satisfied that I can provide that for him.  I am thankful to hear his hearty squeals in the middle of the night..., just knowing that he is alive. I am thankful that I don't get to nap during the day because that means that I am taking care of my son.  I am thankful for the nighttime feedings which interrupt my sleep for that means that he is healthy and growing.  I am even thankful for spit up and poop on my clothes!  

Elijah Brooks, you are loved more than you can ever imagine.  You are napping peacefully on Daddy's chest right now and all I can do is silently whisper, "thank you Jesus".